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As we approach the Thanksgiving holiday with Christmas closely following, many people make plans for exceptional meals, gatherings, decorating, numerous parties, special music, gift buying and giving, and wonderful memory making. For many, this is a most wonderful time of year. But for those who are grieving, holidays seem to increase sorrow, deepen the sense of loss and add to the depression that is so often a part of grief. So, what can a grieving individual or family do?
Grief is a very complex and difficult experience; you can’t just ‘get over it’ and go on with life. Grief is a process that each one of us must go through when there is a loss, and often without realizing it, we are actually going through multiple losses at the same time.
Think of grief as an emotional pot of gumbo; it has a large array of ingredients that are often difficult to identify! Loss, anger, sadness, guilt, fear, angst, concern, doubt, anxiety, depression, worry, apprehension, irritation, fury, rage, resentment. gloom, misery, sorrow, woe, remorse, selfreproach, blame, responsibility, horror, terror, etc.
The feelings are almost endless, and thus the initial stages phases of grief are overwhelming. It is not unusual that an individual can barely function; just getting up and getting dressed as usual becomes an overwhelming chore.
When the loss is a close loved-one, the individual may get ‘stuck’ in this earliest phase of grieving for a considerable amount of time and need close friends and family to help that person with day-to-day activities, being empathetic and supportive without rushing the individual to ‘move on.’
The individual needs to be encouraged to get up, get dressed, eat, move and do anything other than just sitting, staring at the void in their life. But gentle encouragement is the key, no pushing, no fussing, no shaming!
It’s important to understand that grief really doesn’t go in stages as was originally proposed other than to say there is a beginning, there is a lengthy middle, and then there is a very slow moving into a sense of normalcy; yet there is really no trueending. Wemissthe people we have lost, and our closest loved ones will stay in our heart and our memories forever.
To understand the grieving experience, think about a rollercoaster ride, with emotions riding high and low, some lasting longer than others, even some feelings ‘stalling’ at the top of a powerful feeling for a while. Some days are horrible, some days bad and some days just OK.
But the grieving process also changes over time where emotions become less powerful and further spaced apart.
It may take 2-3 years before that rollercoaster of emotions slows down to a point where the individual begins to get back into regular, pre-grief activities and has a sense of moving forward.
However, it is also possible for a person to get ‘stuck’ in one of the more painful emotions such as depression, and this can be an excruciating experience for the individual who doesn’t see a way out of the grip of grief.
Some even consider their own life not worth living and think of suicide as a way to end their pain and join their loved one. This is a very dangerous time.
If someone you know and care for gets to this point, you must do all you can to get them to get into treatment quickly!
Not only is psychotherapy required (this goes beyond counseling), but often medication is required to lift a person out of the depths of the depression. You can start with your family doctor but may need to move quickly to a psychiatrist and/ or a grief specialist.
The most important aspect of the grieving process is to know that it is a normal experience and although it is a slow, yes very slow process and is a necessary and natural experience that allows us to deal with our loss and eventually move into a new normal.
The Wellness Council is focusing on Grief and the Grieving Process and at their November meeting had as their special guest Dr. Vernon Johnson, Psychiatrist with Amen Clinic / Dallas (www.Amen-Clinics.com). If anyone would like a copy of his presentation please contact [email protected].
